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The Guy Who Had To Give Up Smoking

The Guy Who Had To Give Up Smoking
by Thuan-Jin Kee

21 October 2011

Once a long time ago, like in the 1980s, there was a guy who had to give up smoking. He had a friend who was on his ass about it every day. Eventually he made a deal with his friend, they would have a boxing match and everyone they knew would be there to watch. If his friend won, the guy would have to give up smoking. If the guy won, then his friend would have to shut up about smoking forever.

This seemed like a fine idea until the local newspaper got a hold of it. They published a full page article with pictures on page 3 about it and got all kinds of mail about it back. There were people coming up to the guy and his friend in the street and wishing them luck. This got the local TV station involved and they did an interview with them both on the 6 o'clock news.

The news story attracted the attention of the anti-smoking campaigners. They decided to fuel the growing interest by sponsoring the guy's friend. His friend got a coach, a gym to train in and a free groin guard. His friend had to hire some boxing gloves; and ended up buying wraps, mouth-guard and shoes.

The big tobacco companies heard about this and sponsored the guy who had to give up smoking. They laid on the best coach, a great gym, a masseuse, free equipment and a bevy of random hangers-on.

The fight, which started out as a half serious joke, quickly grew into a social phenomenon. The big tobacco companies heard that the guy's friend was actually a talented amateur (which was a lie, neither the guy nor his friend had boxed before) and began to step up the training schedule.

The guy's friend heard from the guy's mother that the tobacco executives were working her poor son to death, so trained like a demon to avoid getting his ass kicked.

One day, the big tobacco executive took the guy who had to give up smoking aside and said "Son, I know that this is going to sound a little odd coming from me, but you have to give up smoking."

The guy looked at his benefactor.

"Not forever, mind you. We've been trying to not admit it for some time, but we think that you'd do better in this fight if you skipped smoking for a while and skipped rope instead. Try it out and see how you do."

So the guy's coach threw away all the guy's cigarettes and made him do punishing cardio every day on top of the regular training until the big fight.

On the day of the big fight between the guy who had to give up smoking and his friend the big tobacco company hired out a grand stadium. The hot lights illuminated a shaft through the smoky air. The bell rang.

For fifteen rounds, the guy and his friend punched each other. For fifteen rounds sweat flew and blood splattered. For fifteen rounds, mothers cried and ring girls paraded.

The the two fighters, bloodied but still standing stood on either side of the referee. The verdict, by majority decision, was that the guy's friend lost.

The guy who had to give up smoking was handed a cigar, which he refused. He was offered a professional contract in the featherweight division which he accepted. He was raised on the shoulders of his peers and carried off to a glorious life.

Watching that on the television, that was the moment I decided to take up smoking.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 2nd, 2011 06:30 am (UTC)
I don’t bookmark sites but i will bookmark this! LOL!

Nov. 2nd, 2011 02:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks! much appreciated. I literally had this for a dream one night, woke up and wrote it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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